TIMES

Sometimes, I have really bad night. Tonight is one of them nights, I feel absolutely worthless. I feel like no one wants me, I feel like I'm not going to go anywhere in life. I'm hating tonight so much, I want to cry so much. I can't cry, feeling like this is horrible. I'm so sick of myself, I'm jealous of other girls because they can just look amazing without trying..

Sometimes I hate being trans. Being trans is not easy in the slightest. Transitioning can be very isolating, you can feel alone. I know no one personally going through the same thing as me, it's horrible. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I know they wont understand what I'm going through. I know everyone has bad days but I feel like I get them worse, I get them more frequently than anyone else. Sometimes I honestly feel like I don't deserve to live.

Bee x

FIRST TIME AT THE CLINIC

Today was the first time at the official gender clinic.  It was a really weird experience, I was so nervous and scared about what it's going to be like. As soon as I got in the car to drive there I was feeling sick, I felt like I needed lots of water. When we got to the clinic it didn't look like what I thought it would.

I went into the clinic with my mum and dad and I had to fill in a form which was basically asking if they can get in touch with my GP and stuff. There was a bit on the form that was my name it said Lee Wallace and the woman said to me I can change it if I want to so I changed it to Bee and everyone started to call me Bee while I was there. That made me feel good, really good in fact!

When the Dr called my name I was so nervous! We started to walk through to his little room and before we went in he said ''Do you want to come alone or with your mum and dad with you?'' I hesitated
 and said I'd like to come alone but then I said I want my mum and dad to come in with me. So we all went in the room and then he started asking me lots of questions, I kept saying I can't remember because I was nervous so I asked my mum to talk and then she answered what he was asking. We were all talking and we decided that my mum and dad would leave the room because he was going to ask me some personal questions, so they left.

After they left he asked me questions about my sex life and such. It was really quite awkward considering I'd never met him before but I opened up and told him everything because that's what you should do. I swear that man now knows more about me than any of my friends..

We discussed what would happen next. He said he will interview me one more time then get a second opinion and then he said I should get hormones.

I am so happy I went today, it was honestly the best thing ever! Although it was really nerve racking I quite enjoyed it. I can't wait for the future!

Bee xo

http://www.facebook.com/beelee.wallace?ref=tn_tnmn

UPDATE AND THINGS

Tomorrow I have the Gender Clinic, I'm pretty nervous and scared! It's going to be the start of my life hopefully.

My mum and I were talking and we have decided that she will take part in this blog, she is going to write on a bit of paper what she wants me to type (because she can't work this). We went to be able to help other trans people and their family's. I am so happy that my mum wants to take part in this. I'm so happy I have such a supportive family.

Tomorrow my mum and dad are coming to the clinic with me. It will be an experience because I haven't opened up to my dad like that before, it's hard to open up to my dad because I've not been as close to him but I've been really close with my mum and gran. I've been close with my dad but not as close as I have been with my mum, it's really quite scary! But ohwell, it has to be done doesn't it?

http://www.facebook.com/beelee.wallace
https://twitter.com/BeeeWallaceMUA
http://xobleedinglovexo.tumblr.com/

INDRODUCTION TO TRANSSEXUAL TIMES

Hello everyone.

My name is Bee Wallace, I'm 16, I live in Scotland and I'm Transsexual.
I thought I would create this blog to see the progress through my transition and to help other young people going through the same thing as me.

I'll tell you a little more about myself.
I was born male with the name Lee William Wallace on the 26th of August 1996. Everything about my birth was normal, everything went well. Honestly the first thing I remember is being at one of my mother's friends house and she had a daughter, I remember wearing her sparkly red high heels and walking about in them. Through the years I became more feminine. I grew up with my brother Stuart and my cousin Lynsey, I feel as if I bonded more with Lynsey than I did with Stuart although he lived in the same house as me. He was always into cars and other manly things, I was always into Barbie and girly things. I was always more of a mummy's boy and I loved spending time with my Mother and Gran, I did spend time with my Grandad and my Father but I didn't feel as comfortable to talk about stuff with them.

As I grew older I didn't feel normal, I was bullied in School and was called ''gay'' a lot, this really bothered me because I didn't think I was gay. I was attracted to men but I didn't think I was gay. I didn't go to School for a full year in Primary 6, I missed out on a lot! The bullying was terrible and I couldn't handle it at all, so when my Mother used to take me to School I used to go in one door and come out the other, I hated School with a passion. In primary 7 I returned to school, I was feeling a bit more confident and I didn't let people get to me. I tried to keep my head down and just get on with things. When it came to first year, I was really excited I had good friends to go up to high school with (mostly girls). The first day was okay, it was a bit boring but that's just School isn't it? In the first week of high school, I got excluded for 3 days because I seriously assaulted a boy in my class for calling me gay. The rest of high school was a blur, I was fighting a lot, I used to bunk school a lot! I only had like 10% attendance at School. At the end of Second year, I was removed from School and I started to get home taught, I loved it! Getting home taught was the best thing for me, if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be in this position right now.

I started to experiment with make-up around the time of getting home schooled, then I realized what I wanted to do in life, I wanted to be a make-up artist. I played with make-up all the time, I started shaving my eyebrows of and drawing them on. I had blue hair at the time so I'd draw my eyebrows on blue. My mum was a bit concerned because she thought if I started to wear make-up then I would get bullied again and I did, I had people shouting at me in the street but then it came to me, If I want to look the way I do I have to get on with it because people will always judge. As I  was experimenting with make-up I wanted to look more and more like a girl. I've always felt like a girl so I wanted to look the part and I would tell everyone I was Androgynous but in reality all I wanted was to be a girl. So I was ''Anrogynous'' for a while but then I wanted to tell my mum that I wanted to change my gender. I told her, she was fine with it, she said she always knew. All of my family have been fine with it.

I love my life now. I live my life as a girl and I will continue to live my life as a girl. I love being a girl and I cannot wait to start hormones and get cosmetic surgery to make myself the girl I always was.

Right now I'm focusing on becoming a better make-up artist and I have my first appointment at the gender clinic on the 12th of December 2012. I am really scared and nervous! I can't wait though, it's going to be the start of my life.

I'm going to continue writing this blog and posting pictures so I can help other trans people with their transition.

Get back to me!
Bee xo